When I was little, I remember reading a quote whereas it's saying, "You are reborn every seven years." It still haunts me since. I know it's silly to wait for seven whole years to be a new person, but I think it's a good period of time to dissect events and feelings, to fully comprehend who you really want to be, to determine the direction this new you are heading to, and to understand that maybe this is not about you.

2018 was surprising.

It's the year I took the leap of finally resigned out of the office that has been the only steady ground of mine for seven years only because it's no longer steady and I was wrong to use it as an escapade of my dull life. Yes once it was the only thing that would excite me to get out of bed. That once became a week, became a month, then became a year. And then someday it just stopped. Everything was getting overwhelming and too much. I don't feel like I learn and earn much. Although there was still some part of this heart that was unsure to let go of the stability, apparently the tiredness and weary in me won. I left that once cozy place which has turned into suffocating graveyard and never looked back.

Sounds crazy, I know. Not to mention the drama that followed.

But here I am, six months later. Feeling surer than I've ever been. With a new job that appreciates me, in a better mental and health state in a year, and overall feeling happier. Kinda bummed that I didn't do it sooner — only after that I hit the lowest point and I felt like I've wasted there.

I am happy to say that I am happy.

2018 was the year of realization.

That happiness shouldn't be a destination. It should be a bento box I carry everywhere while searching what's my true destination is. To take whenever I'm hungry and feel like I can't continue. As a source of strength whenever I am down and cannot go on anymore.

I discovered it's in different shapes and sizes.

But more importantly, it came to me in 18 forms. Altogether. A bundle. A bundle of joy, I might say.

Long story short, I became interested in music again and found myself became a fan of another (boy)band after a long while. They made me happy with their songs, their curious concept, their antics, even. TL;DR NCT has been my source of happiness and good vibes whenever the world feels rougher than usual. to them, I'm thankful and grateful.

(I could write an essay on how they came to me in my darkest moment but it's for another time)

The world still sucks. I still wanna die, sometimes. But they made it a bit comfortable. and happier. and lovelier. and I will go to their concert one day to properly thank them.

2018 was a bit neglectful.

My watchlist suffered the most because this new job can be so demanding the only thing I want to do once I got home is to set my body straight to sleep mode (it's better now. no worries!). I missed a few movies at the theatre and a bit bummed. But I also watched more foreign movies than ever before because I managed to go to some movie festivals. Netflix also came to be an option this year. I have been catching up on old anime titles I've been wanting to rewatch since eons ago with occasional stellar Netflix-produced movies. So I gained some, lost some.

I also neglect myself in a way that I attached my self worth to people who completely gave no fuck about me. I completely turned blind eye to the signs that I was nothing but a pathetic trash can for people to dump their problems on and leave. that I was nothing because people around me said I am nothing when I am everything I set myself to be.

I left them. I don't need that kind of people to be around with. I can't form a circle if they keep trying to break me apart inside.

2018 was the year to love me again.

After a long series of low self-esteem and slump, finally, I found my feet again. feeling worthwhile again. I feel like I deserve to love myself and take it slow or hard accordingly but not to anyone's comment and perspective. I feel okay. It's still a few stops to feel good, but I'm getting there.

I like it where I am now.

And I am excited where 2019 would take me.

2018, A Retrospective

12/31/2018

, ,


When I was little, I remember reading a quote whereas it's saying, "You are reborn every seven years." It still haunts me since. I know it's silly to wait for seven whole years to be a new person, but I think it's a good period of time to dissect events and feelings, to fully comprehend who you really want to be, to determine the direction this new you are heading to, and to understand that maybe this is not about you.

2018 was surprising.

It's the year I took the leap of finally resigned out of the office that has been the only steady ground of mine for seven years only because it's no longer steady and I was wrong to use it as an escapade of my dull life. Yes once it was the only thing that would excite me to get out of bed. That once became a week, became a month, then became a year. And then someday it just stopped. Everything was getting overwhelming and too much. I don't feel like I learn and earn much. Although there was still some part of this heart that was unsure to let go of the stability, apparently the tiredness and weary in me won. I left that once cozy place which has turned into suffocating graveyard and never looked back.

Sounds crazy, I know. Not to mention the drama that followed.

But here I am, six months later. Feeling surer than I've ever been. With a new job that appreciates me, in a better mental and health state in a year, and overall feeling happier. Kinda bummed that I didn't do it sooner — only after that I hit the lowest point and I felt like I've wasted there.

I am happy to say that I am happy.

2018 was the year of realization.

That happiness shouldn't be a destination. It should be a bento box I carry everywhere while searching what's my true destination is. To take whenever I'm hungry and feel like I can't continue. As a source of strength whenever I am down and cannot go on anymore.

I discovered it's in different shapes and sizes.

But more importantly, it came to me in 18 forms. Altogether. A bundle. A bundle of joy, I might say.

Long story short, I became interested in music again and found myself became a fan of another (boy)band after a long while. They made me happy with their songs, their curious concept, their antics, even. TL;DR NCT has been my source of happiness and good vibes whenever the world feels rougher than usual. to them, I'm thankful and grateful.

(I could write an essay on how they came to me in my darkest moment but it's for another time)

The world still sucks. I still wanna die, sometimes. But they made it a bit comfortable. and happier. and lovelier. and I will go to their concert one day to properly thank them.

2018 was a bit neglectful.

My watchlist suffered the most because this new job can be so demanding the only thing I want to do once I got home is to set my body straight to sleep mode (it's better now. no worries!). I missed a few movies at the theatre and a bit bummed. But I also watched more foreign movies than ever before because I managed to go to some movie festivals. Netflix also came to be an option this year. I have been catching up on old anime titles I've been wanting to rewatch since eons ago with occasional stellar Netflix-produced movies. So I gained some, lost some.

I also neglect myself in a way that I attached my self worth to people who completely gave no fuck about me. I completely turned blind eye to the signs that I was nothing but a pathetic trash can for people to dump their problems on and leave. that I was nothing because people around me said I am nothing when I am everything I set myself to be.

I left them. I don't need that kind of people to be around with. I can't form a circle if they keep trying to break me apart inside.

2018 was the year to love me again.

After a long series of low self-esteem and slump, finally, I found my feet again. feeling worthwhile again. I feel like I deserve to love myself and take it slow or hard accordingly but not to anyone's comment and perspective. I feel okay. It's still a few stops to feel good, but I'm getting there.

I like it where I am now.

And I am excited where 2019 would take me.


I'm still alive (sadly).

Highs and Lows

4/30/2018

,


I'm still alive (sadly).


I am 29 today. . On this age, I want to trust the process more. All of those soul-crushing, gut-wrenching, heart-breaking moments. Taking my time to understand that some things must be broken to take new shape, including me. Diamonds form under pressure and grapes need to be crushed to make wine. I hope these and those hard, grueling times are a catalyst to form a better, greater me. "I have been bent and broken, but - I hope - to a better shape." . Again, today I am going to relish in greetings and loves sent by the people who still think of me in this day and age. Thank you for the past full of lessons. Cheers for the exciting future ❤ . (((I cut my bangs weeks ago 💇 and yes I have mismatched eyelids with unruly hair. NOTHING CAN TAME ME loljk)))

A post shared by TANNYA ADITYA™ (@tannyaaditya) on


I turned 29 last Friday. Looking back, I still stand by what I've said. My life has been okay despite the neverending turmoil. There were times I thought I'll never be able to make it through. But I did. There were times I thought that I'm going crazy due to everything. But then when I remember them, I chuckle. The struggle is indeed essential for living. I have been thinking a lot about the period between wanting, realizing, and having since last year. I began to realize that the process is just as sweet and rewarding as the result later. I think all of the frustrations and despairs and anger and confusions are also essential to thrive, bloom, and evolve. I hope this new age would make me welcome the grueling and prevailing process of becoming.

PROCESS. My keyword for this age.



We find true contentment when we can embrace the fact
that life is a never-ending work in progress.
— Kelsey Clark.



So yeah, a little update. Things have been quiet on this blog since there is a lot on my plate right now. A combination of relentless rainy days, grandfather moved into our house, neverending adjustment, minor earthquake for three days straight, and staying sane above it all. It's been a pretty smooth transition, to say the least. Everything has been good, albeit not easy. But we thrive. My days are filled with mundane, boring routine (and cats, more cats) in which I am grateful for. One less thing to be frustrated on, no? And the blog has been taken quite a hit. I stopped updating monthly movie recap (please go to my letterboxd instead) because it feels too comfortable. I want to get back into the hang of writing usual monthly recap again. But alas, I failed on the first month already. I'm also behind on blog walking but I promise I'll get back to everyone real quick.

In the meantime, I hope you are well. And thank you for everything. Be back soon! 👌💓💋

29

2/20/2018

, ,

I am 29 today. . On this age, I want to trust the process more. All of those soul-crushing, gut-wrenching, heart-breaking moments. Taking my time to understand that some things must be broken to take new shape, including me. Diamonds form under pressure and grapes need to be crushed to make wine. I hope these and those hard, grueling times are a catalyst to form a better, greater me. "I have been bent and broken, but - I hope - to a better shape." . Again, today I am going to relish in greetings and loves sent by the people who still think of me in this day and age. Thank you for the past full of lessons. Cheers for the exciting future ❤ . (((I cut my bangs weeks ago 💇 and yes I have mismatched eyelids with unruly hair. NOTHING CAN TAME ME loljk)))

A post shared by TANNYA ADITYA™ (@tannyaaditya) on


I turned 29 last Friday. Looking back, I still stand by what I've said. My life has been okay despite the neverending turmoil. There were times I thought I'll never be able to make it through. But I did. There were times I thought that I'm going crazy due to everything. But then when I remember them, I chuckle. The struggle is indeed essential for living. I have been thinking a lot about the period between wanting, realizing, and having since last year. I began to realize that the process is just as sweet and rewarding as the result later. I think all of the frustrations and despairs and anger and confusions are also essential to thrive, bloom, and evolve. I hope this new age would make me welcome the grueling and prevailing process of becoming.

PROCESS. My keyword for this age.



We find true contentment when we can embrace the fact
that life is a never-ending work in progress.
— Kelsey Clark.



So yeah, a little update. Things have been quiet on this blog since there is a lot on my plate right now. A combination of relentless rainy days, grandfather moved into our house, neverending adjustment, minor earthquake for three days straight, and staying sane above it all. It's been a pretty smooth transition, to say the least. Everything has been good, albeit not easy. But we thrive. My days are filled with mundane, boring routine (and cats, more cats) in which I am grateful for. One less thing to be frustrated on, no? And the blog has been taken quite a hit. I stopped updating monthly movie recap (please go to my letterboxd instead) because it feels too comfortable. I want to get back into the hang of writing usual monthly recap again. But alas, I failed on the first month already. I'm also behind on blog walking but I promise I'll get back to everyone real quick.

In the meantime, I hope you are well. And thank you for everything. Be back soon! 👌💓💋



Looking back, I quite regret that I missed some of the highly anticipated movies from last half. Movies like Blade Runner 2049, Wind River, even Coco. But on the other hand, I am glad the time I spent in cinema was worth it. I watched the movies that have been on my list for quite some time and pretty entertained by them. By the last half, my office moved to the central region of the capital. More entertainment but also less time to go to one. Something I've been trying to fix to this day!

Warning: review may contain spoiler. 


/


Spider-Man: Homecoming


I like Marvel Studio's new take on this much-loved neighborhood hero. It's fresh, it feels current, it feels homely. More of coming of age film than a superhero one and I really appreciate it. Somewhat a reminder to Sam Raimi's trilogy with The Amazing Spider-Man touch. Everyone was awesome. Michael Keaton steals the show by being such a humane villain we can all relate to somehow. And Tom Holland! This movie cemented why he's the best Peter Parker AND the best Spider-Man. That being said, I am terribly bummed that they were trying to make this as a tie-in to Captain America: Civil War. Iron Man did bring more profit but I feel like he was there just to see Peter slip up and then go "I told you so." In all, pretty entertaining but also feel insubstantial at times.


The Hitman's Bodyguard


I weren't originally wanting to watch this but I feel like I need some hilarious entertainment at that moment, so there I go. Best decision, honestly. Everyone is equally entertaining. The dysfunctional team between Ryan Reynolds and "the Motherfucker" Samuel L. Jackson is amazingly well done. The action was top-notch too. Nothing got left behind. But I really have to give a shout-out to Salma Hayek's character and her potty mouth. Damn goals.


Baby Driver


Fun fact: Edgar Wright, the director of this movie, was supposed to direct Ant-Man. And since people in Letterboxd raved about this movie so much I think I shall give it a view. It was so so good. No regrets. Everything was so A+ I really cannot fault it. It feels like a bundled up love letter to the cinema in general. In particular, the shots and the cinematography. If you're on the look for good movie to spend your night with, this is the one. Don't blame me if you're jamming along to the soundtrack 😜


Thor: Ragnarok


I highly anticipate this movie you have no idea. I believe for too long that Thor would bring something new to the table now that Taika Waititi helmed it and my prayer have been answered. It was gloriously fun! Taika took some cheeky tone in Thor 1, set it in space opera, get rid of almost everything, yet injected new life to the much-needed God of Thunder. So Thor lost a hammer but gained a comedy skill. I'd say that's a good trade. The thing that's unmistakably present in this movie is how the people involved looks like they are having the time of their life, and it showed! I cannot love Thor more. Good job, Taika.


Justice League


Okay, so I ended last year with a disappointment. With the awesomeness that is Wonder Woman, I had this glimmer of hope that Justice League would end up having me on a good ride. What a hope it was. Zack Snyder's vision and Joss Whedon's vision collided rather messily and left off hanging by a thin thread that is amazing characters. They ended up being a saving grace of this messy execution and a rather sexist take on a Superhero movie. I believe Snyder's vision was good enough yet Warner Bros. execs still wanted Whedon to give his touch, resulted in this mess. Not to mention everything about Superman gave me chills and not in a good kind. I still have hope James Wan would save the team for the upcoming Aquaman this year. And I hope Snyder would take a note or two because damn, I still have lots of hope for DCEU!


/


I made an ongoing list of the movies I watched in 2017 in Letterboxd along with small reviews. For monthly recap please hop on to my diary. Read the first half review here.


I cannot stress how much I am looking forward to 2018. Particularly because lots of amazing and highly anticipated movies lining up this year. Black Panther (coming up on my birthday!), Avengers: Infinity War (!!!!!!), Ant-man and the Wasp, Aquaman, Isle of Dogs, and so many more. And you bet that I will (try) to watch them all!


/


How's your cinema trip in 2017? Any movie felt stood out the most for you?

2017 Movies Reviewed, Second Half

1/26/2018

,


Looking back, I quite regret that I missed some of the highly anticipated movies from last half. Movies like Blade Runner 2049, Wind River, even Coco. But on the other hand, I am glad the time I spent in cinema was worth it. I watched the movies that have been on my list for quite some time and pretty entertained by them. By the last half, my office moved to the central region of the capital. More entertainment but also less time to go to one. Something I've been trying to fix to this day!

Warning: review may contain spoiler. 


/


Spider-Man: Homecoming


I like Marvel Studio's new take on this much-loved neighborhood hero. It's fresh, it feels current, it feels homely. More of coming of age film than a superhero one and I really appreciate it. Somewhat a reminder to Sam Raimi's trilogy with The Amazing Spider-Man touch. Everyone was awesome. Michael Keaton steals the show by being such a humane villain we can all relate to somehow. And Tom Holland! This movie cemented why he's the best Peter Parker AND the best Spider-Man. That being said, I am terribly bummed that they were trying to make this as a tie-in to Captain America: Civil War. Iron Man did bring more profit but I feel like he was there just to see Peter slip up and then go "I told you so." In all, pretty entertaining but also feel insubstantial at times.


The Hitman's Bodyguard


I weren't originally wanting to watch this but I feel like I need some hilarious entertainment at that moment, so there I go. Best decision, honestly. Everyone is equally entertaining. The dysfunctional team between Ryan Reynolds and "the Motherfucker" Samuel L. Jackson is amazingly well done. The action was top-notch too. Nothing got left behind. But I really have to give a shout-out to Salma Hayek's character and her potty mouth. Damn goals.


Baby Driver


Fun fact: Edgar Wright, the director of this movie, was supposed to direct Ant-Man. And since people in Letterboxd raved about this movie so much I think I shall give it a view. It was so so good. No regrets. Everything was so A+ I really cannot fault it. It feels like a bundled up love letter to the cinema in general. In particular, the shots and the cinematography. If you're on the look for good movie to spend your night with, this is the one. Don't blame me if you're jamming along to the soundtrack 😜


Thor: Ragnarok


I highly anticipate this movie you have no idea. I believe for too long that Thor would bring something new to the table now that Taika Waititi helmed it and my prayer have been answered. It was gloriously fun! Taika took some cheeky tone in Thor 1, set it in space opera, get rid of almost everything, yet injected new life to the much-needed God of Thunder. So Thor lost a hammer but gained a comedy skill. I'd say that's a good trade. The thing that's unmistakably present in this movie is how the people involved looks like they are having the time of their life, and it showed! I cannot love Thor more. Good job, Taika.


Justice League


Okay, so I ended last year with a disappointment. With the awesomeness that is Wonder Woman, I had this glimmer of hope that Justice League would end up having me on a good ride. What a hope it was. Zack Snyder's vision and Joss Whedon's vision collided rather messily and left off hanging by a thin thread that is amazing characters. They ended up being a saving grace of this messy execution and a rather sexist take on a Superhero movie. I believe Snyder's vision was good enough yet Warner Bros. execs still wanted Whedon to give his touch, resulted in this mess. Not to mention everything about Superman gave me chills and not in a good kind. I still have hope James Wan would save the team for the upcoming Aquaman this year. And I hope Snyder would take a note or two because damn, I still have lots of hope for DCEU!


/


I made an ongoing list of the movies I watched in 2017 in Letterboxd along with small reviews. For monthly recap please hop on to my diary. Read the first half review here.


I cannot stress how much I am looking forward to 2018. Particularly because lots of amazing and highly anticipated movies lining up this year. Black Panther (coming up on my birthday!), Avengers: Infinity War (!!!!!!), Ant-man and the Wasp, Aquaman, Isle of Dogs, and so many more. And you bet that I will (try) to watch them all!


/


How's your cinema trip in 2017? Any movie felt stood out the most for you?

Welcome to another edition of Tannya babbling about her days under the disguise of movie listicles. By the half of the year 2018, you will find this blog have already switched from personal to solely movie review under the name of "The Cinema Lady".

I am joking. But that doesn't sound like a bad idea either.

Last November, my brother diagnosed with TBC and he's currently undergoing 6-to-9 months of treatment. He is fine — no more coughing up blood and feeling so weak all the time. I was diagnosed with rather chronic gastritis and I have to eat all the time. We were on a bit of health problem by the last quarter but we will get it by. We are fine right now. In wise words of Doctor Strange, "Pain is an old friend." All of those things happened made it feels harder and harder to talk about my days as it always seems so bleak and dark and foggy. I have no strength to argue with anything anymore yet I guess I take things rather calmly nowadays. I found a way not to be so angry with the world. Instead of "Why me?" I find it easier to say "Oh well" and move on. Is it a sign of optimism or tiredness? Stay tuned as I find out.

In other note, I am pleased with movies I watched in December. I always associate Christmas and holiday with Home Alone and yet I found it shifting to Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings. Millennial much? A TV channel broadcasted The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings marathon and I enjoyed them so much. Continued on with Mission Impossible and Transformers which were just as fun. I also managed to catch Justice League on cinema in which I found rather overwhelming despite the characters were really loveable — except Superman. Did you catch it too? Tell me what you think about it!


Movies Watched, December 2017

1/19/2018


Welcome to another edition of Tannya babbling about her days under the disguise of movie listicles. By the half of the year 2018, you will find this blog have already switched from personal to solely movie review under the name of "The Cinema Lady".

I am joking. But that doesn't sound like a bad idea either.

Last November, my brother diagnosed with TBC and he's currently undergoing 6-to-9 months of treatment. He is fine — no more coughing up blood and feeling so weak all the time. I was diagnosed with rather chronic gastritis and I have to eat all the time. We were on a bit of health problem by the last quarter but we will get it by. We are fine right now. In wise words of Doctor Strange, "Pain is an old friend." All of those things happened made it feels harder and harder to talk about my days as it always seems so bleak and dark and foggy. I have no strength to argue with anything anymore yet I guess I take things rather calmly nowadays. I found a way not to be so angry with the world. Instead of "Why me?" I find it easier to say "Oh well" and move on. Is it a sign of optimism or tiredness? Stay tuned as I find out.

In other note, I am pleased with movies I watched in December. I always associate Christmas and holiday with Home Alone and yet I found it shifting to Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings. Millennial much? A TV channel broadcasted The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings marathon and I enjoyed them so much. Continued on with Mission Impossible and Transformers which were just as fun. I also managed to catch Justice League on cinema in which I found rather overwhelming despite the characters were really loveable — except Superman. Did you catch it too? Tell me what you think about it!


A Wordsmith.